Reflections

I had a conversation with my boyfriend over the weekend about goals and "bettering oneself." When a person makes goals and wants to make changes in his or her life, I believe it should be because they are truly ready and invested in it. Being invested in yourself and your health is a choice. Being ready to make this choice is important.

That being said, this conversation made me think a lot of my past and the struggles I've gone through in life trying to be what other people want me to be. Often times I did things for the wrong reason, mainly to fit in. In college, I noticed this especially as I was surrounded by a lot of girls who were stick thin, stylish and didn't think twice about eating gum and a salad for lunch and dinner. Though I learned a lot of good stuff at Boston College, I also learned that there was a way a woman "needed" to be when it came to body image. A woman needed to eat very little, exercise a lot and make sure to be thin, thin, thin! Right?

I think that this distorted view of what I needed to look like and what I could or could not eat made it hard for me to really value myself and value my body. I was always feeling self conscious, I always felt like I wasn't thin enough and I exercised a lot and ate very little. That is, until I was so hungry that I ate a lot of bad stuff all at once. It was a vicious cycle, an unhealthy cycle and I never quite felt good about myself. I always looked at myself in the mirror and said, "This isn't gonna cut it, Metzger."

I'm happy to say that, over time (and believe me, it took A LOT of time), I have become a lot more content with myself. I think that, after college, I became more independent, more aware of who I wanted and needed in my life, what my goals were in my career and what really was important in life. When I became more comfortable with other parts of my life, I was more comfortable in my own skin, even if part of that skin included a gut, a booty and a pair of man-calves.

I look back at the person I was in college and I see someone who didn't know who she wanted to be. I see insecurity, I see a pushover, I see a follower and I see someone who, in some ways, let other people make choices for her. Then, I look at me today and, sure, I'm still a little insecure about certain things but I feel good about who I am and where I'm going and who I have in my life. This marathon has taught me a lot about myself. Don't get me wrong, I still have my "fat and down days" but it really has allowed me to appreciate the body I have today. It has made me feel a whole new appreciation for exercise and I'm excited to lead a healthy and active life because I enjoy it, not because I have to. It has also given me a chance to learn how to eat healthy but not feel guilty when I indulge. This marathon has made me feel the best I've felt about myself in a long, long time. Better yet, this experience will continue to push me to try new things, set and reach new goals and believe in myself. And best of all, it has helped me learn to accept myself, the good and the bad. For the first time in a long time, I can look at myself in the mirror and say, "Look at you Metzger...not bad. Not bad at all."