Ants in my Pants

I don't think I've ever been this nervous. It's almost slightly impossible for me to do work (hence the reason I'm writing a blog while working) and, let me tell you, the things my stomach are doing this week are noooot cute. You'd think I was running for President or something. I might have to ask the psychiatrist here for some benzos.

People who have run a marathon tell me the process is 90% mental. Of course, you also need to be physically ready but, during the last 6-10 miles, I assume a lot of it is about telling your body "you can do this, don't give up, one foot in front of the other." One of the tips I've read is to mentally talk yourself up heartbreak hill, saying things like "My feet are light, I'm floating." Floating? Needless to say, to me, this seems a lot harder then it sounds.

I've been thinking about it though, and I think my increasing sense of nervousness is coming from the fact that I know so many people are going to be watching me. I mean, if someone told me to go run 26.2 miles today and I knew there wouldn't be 25,000 other runners and a bazillion spectators, I'd be like like "No problem...boooo-ya!" I think it's the crowds that are making me nervous. The fact that I've laid this whole process out on a blog and my family is coming from my Buffalo to watch, my boyfriend, ex boyfriends, friends and friends of friends (whoever really) are all going to be staring at me in a completely and utterly vulnerable state-That is terrifying to me.

A-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y terrifying.

However, after giving myself a few mild heart attacks this week already, I think I'm finally realizing that all this pressure I feel is really coming from me. Me, myself and I. No one expects me to cross that finish line running like a Kenyan. They just believe that I can and will cross the finish line...at some point during the day. ;) I didn't sign up for the marathon to impress people, to compete, to win money...I signed up because it was on my bucket list and because I wanted to challenge myself and "beat" the part of me that sometimes says "you aren't good enough." It might not be with grace or good form and, God forbid, I might even need a change of pants at the end, but I will do this. I'm trying hard to think positively and I know one thing for sure...unless I break my leg in the process, I will not give up.

So, are all my nerves gone? Yeah right! I'm not a miracle worker but at least I'm gaining a little more self awareness and a little more positive energy.

"My feet are light...I'm (sorta) floating...."