On Top of the World

"There will be days I don't know if I can do a marathon. There will be a lifetime knowing that I have."

 Yesterday was one of the most thrilling days of my life. The sights, the sounds, the experience was something I'll never forget. It's actually kind of hard to even write down in words. I was SO nervous the morning of the marathon but I said to myself that I just needed to enjoy it, put my absolute all into it and thought, "You will only have your first marathon experience once...conquer it." Here is a little timeline of a day I won't ever forget. 

7:30am: Chris drives me to CLLC where I ride with my "teammates" to Hopkinton. I have to sit in the backseat while the boys talk about how they hope to run PR's of 3:30. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm aiming it at them if I do.

8:30am: Arrive at Hopkinton, use the porta potty...twice. I have no shame.

9:30am: Sit with all the runners in the Runner's Villiage. Feel the adrenaline start to rush through my body. I'm here with 27,000 other people who are feeling what I'm feeling. 

10:00am: Use the porta potty again. Put on my race number and chip. Take a picture with my coworker, John. We look at each other, give a high five and both agree "This is awesome!!"

10:30am: Start pushing to the start line. People are already cheering for us. I say to myself, "Pace yourself, Tricia. You have 26.2 miles to run."

10:45am: Cross the start line. This is it. I think of every positive thought I've had, email I've gotten, pep talk I've heard and put them all in my fanny pack. :)

11:00am: Trip over a bag giving a 5 year old a high five, recover, run into the forest and pee one last time. Sorry to the guy I mooned. Sorry to my running shoes for peeing on you.

11:30am: First 3 miles flew by. Finally getting into a groove. Having so many people around me, trying to pass me, seemingly trying to whiz by made me a bit anxious. But I reminded myself the only person I was racing was myself.

12:00pm: Get to the 10K mark. See my parents and Chris cheering for me. Feel really good but still nervous. I'm mentally telling myself that I can do this. From the 10K mark to about the 11 mile mark I pass 3 rock bands playing for the runners, get flashed by a man on the top of his roof, see a man holding a "Marry me Natalie?!" sign up (the end would have been a better spot buddy), see a Native American drumming band, give approximately 20 kids high fives and eat my first goo. Natick, I've decided, is the least "exciting" of all the points in this race. It is there that I am reminded that 90% of this is mental.

1:00pm: I pass through Wellesley and get to experience the Wellesley girls screaming for the runners. I feel energized, I feel good. I drink my 2nd Gatorade. At about mile 14, I see Chris, my parents, Andy, Sarah and Luai. They hand me orange slices, my mom cheers louder then I've ever heard her, I give my dad a kiss. I feel proud. I'm halfway there. From the 14 mile mark to the 18 mile mark, I see a couple who has run 38 marathons together, I see a mom running for her son who died from cancer, I see a man with cerebral palsy in a wheelchair pushing himself with one foot and I run next to a man who is blind. I read the back of someones shirt that says "The pain of today will be go away but you will remember this moment forever." 

2:00: I get to the the Newton Fire House and I know that the next 2 miles are hills. Heartbreak Hills. I say to myself, "Do not stop, keep going." I ran up most of the hill in baby steps. I wanted to keep running so I didn't cramp up but didn't want to kill my legs. I was hurting but I still felt good. I felt even better when I looked up and saw my friend Kara screaming my name, taking pictures and patting my back.  Her excitement for me made the next few steps a lot easier. So did Eminem. Yes, Eminem. Thank God for the song "Lose Yourself." 

You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo

Yeah, yo, Eminem's song motivated me to own the moment. I climbed the last mile of the hill and saw BC in the distance. I also saw a man poop his pants and look at me and say, "shit happens" and keep going. I saw a woman running with her 80 year old father and I saw a man who was really struggling to keep going talk himself up the hill by chanting, over and over again, "Being a champion takes work, being a champion takes work." Little did he know, he was already a champion for trying.

2:15pm: As I got to the top of Heartbreak Hill, I looked to BC and heard the biggest yells yet. People were screaming at the runners, giving us high fives and were slightly out of control. It could have been the booze but whatever it was, it was contagious. I got this surge of energy and said to myself. "You are doing this, you are going to finish a marathon." I ran past BC, I ran past the Bonner family and I turned the corner on Beacon Street. I was on the home stretch.

2:45pm: I felt myself speeding up. I felt my body remind me that I had trained hard for this and it could handle the last 2-3 miles. I ran by Beth, CJ, Amy, Katie and John, yet another group of friends who were there to cheer me on. I almost gave CJ a chest bump but decided a high five was a safer bet. I kept going. People were hitting walls. I saw a woman limping with what looked like a really bad calf injury, I saw a young man running with his arm around his friend who was crying. I saw an older man trying to stretch out his seized up legs. I saw so many people injured who kept going and going. The crowds carried them. At this moment, I was reminded of the testament of willpower. I was also reminded of what it feels like to be part of the human race, the good part, of people helping people when they need it the most. Here were people who did not know those who were struggling and yet they did their best to raise them up, just because. Unbelievable. 

3:00pm: I see the Citgo sign! I see Fenway! I feel another rush of energy and I look at my watch and say, "I might be able to make this under 5 hours (my goal)." I start running a little faster. I feel a slight cramp in my left rib. As soon as I start to slow down again, I see the many faces of some of my best friends...Kate, Vanessa, Courtney, Garvey, Colleen, Barry and so many others who came out to see me accomplish this goal. Hearing them cheer for me made me feel like a rock star. I felt unstoppable. Hell, I felt GREAT. Who woulda thought?!?!

3:15: I run through Kenmore Square. I am on a mission. I go through the tunnel and come out and say outloud to myself, "You got this. You're almost there!" I turn just in time to see the Britt crowd, cheering my name. I give them my Miss America wave and continue to run. I turn onto Boylston. I look ahead and see the crowds of people cheering the runners who are going to cross the finish line. At this moment, I get extremely emotional. My whole journey through the past 4 months, 4 hours and 45 minutes is flashing before me. I am amazed at how good I feel, I am in awe of my body at this point and my heart is full of pride and joy and accomplishment. I look at the finish line banner and I run hard. 

3:34: Triumph! I cross the finish line, I relish in the moment and the medical worker looks at me and says, "You ok?" I look at her and say, "Hell yes." My feet hurt, my legs ache and I kind of want to throw up.  She gives me that cool silver "cape" and a man puts a medal around my neck. "Congratulations," he says, "You did it."  Holy crap, I did it. This is a phenomenal feeling. SUCH a phenomenal feeling. I might just do it again sometime. Maybe. After all, I think I just might be an actual runner. 

And Away We Go....

A lot of things make me happy. A sunset makes me happy. The numerous pictures of squirrels my grandmother sends me makes me happy. Sitting on the wall at Snyder Beach makes me happy. Hearing my brother's voice on the phone makes me happy. Getting flowers for no reason makes me happy. Eating chocolate birthday cake made by Sprinkles makes me happy. Taking Dunkin and Osi for walks makes me happy. Finding jeans that fit like a glove makes me happy. 

There are so many things that make me happy. But, what I've come to realize, especially in the last few years, is the one thing that makes me happiest in life is relationships-Really, great, genuine relationships. I knew training for the marathon would teach me a lot about myself and challenge me in so many different ways. And, although I know the people in my life are supportive, I couldn't ever imagine the support I would get during this past 4 months. In a sense, I thought I would be doing this for myself, alone, and not really needing the support of others. I mean, c'mon, running a bazilion miles a week isn't a group activity. But, as soon as I said I was going to run the marathon and as soon as I made my fundraising facebook page, I was in disbelief at how supportive people became and how gracious they were in lifting me up when I was down, donating to my cause and sharing words of encouragement and inspiration that I needed many, many, MANY times. 

I remember one time coming back from a really crappy run and my roommate getting me water, sitting on the couch with me and making me pasta. That might have seem like a very "little" something to her but it really meant a lot to me. Yes, she might have thought I was "bat shit crazy" to do this but she has never once doubted that I could. In fact, I don't EVER think anyone ever told me I couldn't do this. My family, my friends, my coworkers...they believed in me.

So, tomorrow, April 19th 2010, I run for many people. I run for my friend Olivia, who lost her battle to cancer this year. I run for my clients, whose resilience inspires me every day.  I run for my big brother who has been sober for one year, I run for Janet Bonner who just celebrated her 5 year anniversary in remission from breast cancer. I run for all of those who wish they could but can't. And I run for those who don't think they can but are trying anyhow.

Thank you to my mom and my dad for driving from Buffalo to Boston to see me run; you have always been by my side. Thank you Shen family for making me feel like part of the "clan" and being so supportive. Thank you to my friends who put up with my craziness and love me just the same. Thank you Shen Shuttle for being the best thing that every happened to me. Thank you to all of you who sent me inspiring quotes, emails, facebook messages, texts and cards. It seems they all came at exactly the right time, like magic. Thank you, all of you, for being there for me, for rooting me on and for making my heart so full. I WILL cross the finish line thinking of you.

#24754

I watched another documentary last night called, "The Marathon Challenge." It was about 6 people who were pretty inactive (i.e. one woman said her idea of exercise was bowling) and challenged them to train for a marathon for 6 months. There was a woman who was 70lbs overweight, a 68 year old woman, a woman who had just lost 40lbs, a woman whose mother had just died, a man who had HIV, a 50 year old man who had suffered a heart attack 3 years before and a man who used to be an athlete in college but then "let himself go." All these people formed a group and trained. It took place in Boston and the people were going to run the Boston Marathon. 

I think this was a good thing for me to watch b/c it allowed me to see how incredibly crowded and exciting it is at the start line. It reminded me not to go out too fast (those that did had to walk a lot), it reminded me to hydrate and, most importantly, it reminded me to take the experience in. It also made me aware that I might actually be kind of emotional at the end of this race. Every single person on this documentary who trained ended up finishing. Most of them finished in 5.5-6 hours. The past athlete finished in 7. However, each person that crossed the finish line showed some sort of overwhelming emotion, whether it be "giddyness," exhaustion or pride that led to tears. 

Most of you know that I cry at weddings and hallmark commercials but I'm not usually one to cry in public. However, yesterday when I walked in the Hynes Convention Center to get my number, I found my heart beating fast and my eyes welling up just a little. I've come a long ways since my training started in December. I was true to myself and to my training. I did the hard work even when I didn't want to. So, when I saw my number, I couldn't help but smile ear to ear. The guy who was working at the number's counter said, "Have you ever done Boston before?" I said, "I've never ever run a marathon before. This is my first." "Well Congratulations," he said, "It's something you'll remember forever."  

Ants in my Pants

I don't think I've ever been this nervous. It's almost slightly impossible for me to do work (hence the reason I'm writing a blog while working) and, let me tell you, the things my stomach are doing this week are noooot cute. You'd think I was running for President or something. I might have to ask the psychiatrist here for some benzos.

People who have run a marathon tell me the process is 90% mental. Of course, you also need to be physically ready but, during the last 6-10 miles, I assume a lot of it is about telling your body "you can do this, don't give up, one foot in front of the other." One of the tips I've read is to mentally talk yourself up heartbreak hill, saying things like "My feet are light, I'm floating." Floating? Needless to say, to me, this seems a lot harder then it sounds.

I've been thinking about it though, and I think my increasing sense of nervousness is coming from the fact that I know so many people are going to be watching me. I mean, if someone told me to go run 26.2 miles today and I knew there wouldn't be 25,000 other runners and a bazillion spectators, I'd be like like "No problem...boooo-ya!" I think it's the crowds that are making me nervous. The fact that I've laid this whole process out on a blog and my family is coming from my Buffalo to watch, my boyfriend, ex boyfriends, friends and friends of friends (whoever really) are all going to be staring at me in a completely and utterly vulnerable state-That is terrifying to me.

A-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y terrifying.

However, after giving myself a few mild heart attacks this week already, I think I'm finally realizing that all this pressure I feel is really coming from me. Me, myself and I. No one expects me to cross that finish line running like a Kenyan. They just believe that I can and will cross the finish line...at some point during the day. ;) I didn't sign up for the marathon to impress people, to compete, to win money...I signed up because it was on my bucket list and because I wanted to challenge myself and "beat" the part of me that sometimes says "you aren't good enough." It might not be with grace or good form and, God forbid, I might even need a change of pants at the end, but I will do this. I'm trying hard to think positively and I know one thing for sure...unless I break my leg in the process, I will not give up.

So, are all my nerves gone? Yeah right! I'm not a miracle worker but at least I'm gaining a little more self awareness and a little more positive energy.

"My feet are light...I'm (sorta) floating...."

One...More...Week!

Winning has nothing to do with racing. Most days don't have races anyway. Winning is about struggle and effort and optimism, and never, ever, ever giving up.
 
-Amby Burfoot

I watched "The Spirit of the Marathon" this past weekend. It was a great documentary and very motivating for the upcoming week. Though I'm excited the event is almost here, I'm extremely nervous. Tapering has been hard for me and I hope my body remembers it can handle 20 miles and that my mind can handle the 6.2 miles I've never run. I've been having some weird dreams that I don't get to the start line on time and I'm disqualified or I get lost on the course. Those of you who know me well, know that I'm a worry wart. It's a bit ridiculous. I have to remember to tell myself to enjoy this week, this day and this experience. Do I have a goal time in mind? Not anymore.  My only goals are to take in this once-in-a-lifetime experience, stay positive and cross the finish line with my own two legs.

My dad wrote to me the other day and said he wished he had a run marathon when he was younger. Dad, I think you still could run a marathon so don't cross it off your list just yet. ;)  At the same time, him saying that to me was another reminder that I want to embrace life and do things I never thought I could do while I have the time. I never want to say when I'm 80 yrs old, "If I could do it all over again, I would have..." There are no excuses. There is no time like the present. There is only this moment.

Next up on my list, run a half-marathon with my boyfriend (his 1st!) and take a dance class. After all, life is too short not to dance. :)

Cherry Blossoms and Spandex

I love Boston in the spring time. I love the cherry blossoms, I love the sun on my face, I love seeing people walking along the Charles holding hands, I love sitting outside at a coffee shop reading the newspaper, I love taking Dunkin or Osi for a walk and I love seeing people running outside and smiling because it's not snowing anymore.

Today, I got up, did some cleaning, made myself some toast and hit the road for one last long run. I wore my "marathon outfit" which includes tight, tight, tiiiiight spandex capris (hey, no one said this would be pretty) and a neon-ish t-shirt so I could stand out a bit to some of my "fans." Today's run was a relatively meaningful run as it's my last longer one (8 miles) until I run the actual marathon. Since December 14th, I've run a long run every single Saturday morning. On December 19th, I started off running 6 miles as my long run and 3 weeks ago, I completed my last long run of 20 miles. I can't believe how fast those months went. Today, I really enjoyed my run. I took in all the sights and sounds, my legs were happy that they weren't running in the double digits, and I felt good. Am I ready to run the marathon? God, I hope so....

Here are some "stats" and "favorites" that I'll remember from this journey:

Miles run (minus marathon day): 430

Personal Best 1m: 7:52

Personal Best 5K: 25:12

Personal Best Half Marathon: 1:55:13

Favorite Number of Miles to run: 7

Number of loyal blog followers: 15

Number of dollars raised for CLLC: $3,592

Number of times I cried after a run: 3

Number of times I gave up: 0

Favorite flavor goos: double chocolate and vanilla bean

Favorite Artists to listen to for motivation on run: Whitney, Madonna, Maroon Five, Sister Hazel, anything Hip-Hop

Favorite activity to do for cross-training: Spinning

Favorite running gear and accessories: water belt, Nike ipod plus, Nike spandex 

Favorite pre-run meal: banana, peanut butter on toast

Favorite "Recovery Activity": Couch time with Vanessa or dinner with Shen Shuttle

Number of days until the Boston Marathon: 9

Feeling I'll get after I cross that finish line: To be Continued..... ;)

Reflections

I had a conversation with my boyfriend over the weekend about goals and "bettering oneself." When a person makes goals and wants to make changes in his or her life, I believe it should be because they are truly ready and invested in it. Being invested in yourself and your health is a choice. Being ready to make this choice is important.

That being said, this conversation made me think a lot of my past and the struggles I've gone through in life trying to be what other people want me to be. Often times I did things for the wrong reason, mainly to fit in. In college, I noticed this especially as I was surrounded by a lot of girls who were stick thin, stylish and didn't think twice about eating gum and a salad for lunch and dinner. Though I learned a lot of good stuff at Boston College, I also learned that there was a way a woman "needed" to be when it came to body image. A woman needed to eat very little, exercise a lot and make sure to be thin, thin, thin! Right?

I think that this distorted view of what I needed to look like and what I could or could not eat made it hard for me to really value myself and value my body. I was always feeling self conscious, I always felt like I wasn't thin enough and I exercised a lot and ate very little. That is, until I was so hungry that I ate a lot of bad stuff all at once. It was a vicious cycle, an unhealthy cycle and I never quite felt good about myself. I always looked at myself in the mirror and said, "This isn't gonna cut it, Metzger."

I'm happy to say that, over time (and believe me, it took A LOT of time), I have become a lot more content with myself. I think that, after college, I became more independent, more aware of who I wanted and needed in my life, what my goals were in my career and what really was important in life. When I became more comfortable with other parts of my life, I was more comfortable in my own skin, even if part of that skin included a gut, a booty and a pair of man-calves.

I look back at the person I was in college and I see someone who didn't know who she wanted to be. I see insecurity, I see a pushover, I see a follower and I see someone who, in some ways, let other people make choices for her. Then, I look at me today and, sure, I'm still a little insecure about certain things but I feel good about who I am and where I'm going and who I have in my life. This marathon has taught me a lot about myself. Don't get me wrong, I still have my "fat and down days" but it really has allowed me to appreciate the body I have today. It has made me feel a whole new appreciation for exercise and I'm excited to lead a healthy and active life because I enjoy it, not because I have to. It has also given me a chance to learn how to eat healthy but not feel guilty when I indulge. This marathon has made me feel the best I've felt about myself in a long, long time. Better yet, this experience will continue to push me to try new things, set and reach new goals and believe in myself. And best of all, it has helped me learn to accept myself, the good and the bad. For the first time in a long time, I can look at myself in the mirror and say, "Look at you Metzger...not bad. Not bad at all."